Run the equator: An open-ended list of things that pissed me off around the world (and still do)

Friday, July 18, 2008

An open-ended list of things that pissed me off around the world (and still do)

I was going to call this one “Ten things that pissed me off around the world” but once I began to think about all the times I was annoyed, pissed off or wished I had a shotgun to blast someone out of their idiotic useless existence during the course of this trip I couldn’t stop counting and soon I used all the fingers of my two hands and took my socks off so I can start counting using my toes. Hence the current title.

  • 1. White people waiting for a table in front of a restaurant in Cuzco.

    Why the hell would you want to stay in line for lunch with twenty other idiots wearing The North Face jackets at a place that has burgers, roast-beef sandwiches and steak fries at 3400 meters altitude in Peru? Because you’re too much of a coward to try to experience any of the local food in a city that has a million restaurants and because it looks very much like any joint you would find in your pathetic town back home, so it makes you feel safe. If you miss your own corner deli and their stinky pastrami so much, stay home.

  • 2. Public service employees begging for a handout like they deserve it.

    This asshole day-guard walks up to me in the museum of Coptic Christian history in Cairo and asks me “You Christian?” “Yes” (I’m not but in Egypt you’re either Muslim or Christian, there’s no such thing as an atheist) “Me too, see?” (Shows me a cross. Grins. As if now we’re buddies) “I have 10 children. Give me money.” He’s following me through the building so I give him a 1-pound note to shake him off. He looks at me like I did him wrong “Only 1 pound? More! 10 children!” and stretches his hand again. Piss off. I took the pound note back and left him there. Asshole. If you really have 10 children and can’t care for them you should have gotten a vasectomy.

  • 3. Listening to the same idiotic questions from other tourists you meet.

    Where did you come from? Where are you going next? Did you like X? Are you visiting Z? Shut up. It’s all the same. I didn’t talk to you, so stop talking to me because it’s obvious you don’t have anything interesting to say. Do something useful and leave me alone.

  • 4. Dishonest hotel managers.

    So this place is a shithole and you still want me to pay in advance for four nights? And you told me 40 Euros on the phone and now it’s 50? How the hell did you get into Lonely Planet anyway? Their editors must be on crack.

  • 5. Inane “must see” places that are just boring pieces of junk.

    If the top attraction in the city is the public library that exhibits some gorgeous murals from a celebrated local artist, just spare yourself the effort and time and don’t go there. Lonely Planet is on crack.

  • 6. Imbeciles who show up early for everything.

    On our 40-day African safari our guide would announce every evening the schedule for the next day: “tomorrow morning, the wake up call is at 6:30, breakfast at 7, we leave at 7:45″. Each morning, as I woke up at 6:30, the other white people had already packed their tents. By 7, they were done with breakfast and were idling around casting passive-aggressive looks of disapproval at me. Bite me! I’m not going to bend to peer-pressure, I need my beauty sleep.

  • 7. Yes, we have hot water. Yes we leave at 10am.

    Everyone lies. You’re just a big fat wallet on legs. Get used with it or bring a shotgun.

  • 8. Rickshaw drivers in Asia.

    When you take a ride to town coming from the station with your backpack the driver always knows a great hotel, just around the corner – usually a shithole that gives them commission for every clueless guy they drop at their door. Those assholes all have an incurable ear disease – they can’t hear the word “no”. Maybe a jackhammer would help.

  • 9. White people trying too hard to embrace local traditions.

    During the water festival in Chiang Mai everyone gets wet and everyone throws water about and nobody gets mad. But when you see a group made exclusively of tourists armed with buckets and water pistols, dousing every open-back taxi truck that passes - a day after the festival has officially ended - showing them the finger is not only ok, it becomes mandatory.

  • 10. Paying 2 Euros for plain coffee.

    Seriously. Europeans are crazy. They should all grow a pair and boycott Starbucks but I’m afraid it’s too late, they’re hooked.

  • 11. Local travel agencies that charge a heavy markup for stuff that you can get for less around the corner.

    And the morons who do not do their homework and keep paying, perpetuating the scams.

  • 12. Fat balding Anglo sex-tourists trying to make dinner conversation with Thai prostitutes who don’t give a shit.

    You know who you are. And I stared and snickered at every single one of you just to make you feel even more self-conscious, defeated and worthless than you are.

  • 13. Paying too much for poor service because you have no choice

    Getting on the island… cheap. Getting off the island… not so cheap. What are you going to do? Ask to speak with the manager?

  • 14. Douchebags who rave about how awesome and spiritual India is.

    All you little shits who act elated, telling everyone who’s within earshot that “India is, like, soooo awesome, so spiritual, I wish I never had to leave, this is the best place ever, man! You don’t understand!” like you are the first person in the universe to ever get laid - go live in the slums on a less than a dollar a day like 90% of India’s population, without bottled water, internet and your stupid iPod, go sell paan or drive a rickshaw for a living and then come and proclaim your epiphany to the world. You are an idiot and nobody cares about your pseudo-intellectual bullshit and your condescending “enlightened” attitude.

  • 15. Retarded teenagers checking their Facebook “walls”.

    You absolutely have to stay in touch or else your friends will stop loving you. And make sure you use all caps and poor grammar, it makes you look smart. “I’M IN THAILND LOL AND ITS SO KEWL WE HAD DA BEST PARTY YOUR NOT GOING TO BELIEV WHN U C THE PICTRES!!!!1” Seriously… better free that bandwidth for someone who has more important things to do, like uploading an angry blog that nobody reads!

  • 16. Horrible European tippers.

    I don’t tip more than the norm (whose norm? mine!) because I think that some professions are already making lots of undeserved money. Take bartenders, for example: one dollar a drink? Are you kidding me!? But even I wanted to take a shotgun at the Euro-dipshits who dropped only 10 dollars in the tipping pot for the army of porters who, for four days in a row, had set up our tents, cooked our meals and transported all the heavy equipment on their backs running barefoot at lightning speed while we were trudging and sweating our way on the Inca trail for the sake of our crusty pathetic egos. Israelis, Aussies and Kiwis included at a discount.

  • 17. Losers who visit the Coliseum and have no idea where they are.

    Who is this guy Octavian Augustus? Look, that statue is naked! (chuckle) Who built all these ruins? Was it the Romans? What's the capital of Rome? Not that anyone cares, but these people make us look like a nation of uncultured idiots and help perpetuate the stereotype that all Americans are stupid and they only know how to make war on other countries. Amen!

  • 18. Jackasses on group tours, who show too much skin in public in Muslim countries.

    Nobody, anywhere, needs to see your lard bulging under your belly-shirt. If you happen to be hot you’ll get more attention than you want for that deep cleavage and the short skirt. Maybe some of those pious, innocent men will get into accidents turning their heads because of you. The traffic will be jammed for hours and I’ll be stuck in a cab without air conditioning, listening to bad music, until they dig the bodies out and remove the rubble. All because you showed cleavage. You monster!

  • 19. Everyone else.

    Stay home. I hate people.

14 comments:

Cindi said...

Agree that Americans can be incredibly stupid sometimes.

ghizi said...

Da' supărat mai ești. Te-ai trezit cu fața la cearceaf? Acu' e clar că unii turiști sunt mai speciali decât alții dar parcă prea ești supărat pe toată lumea. Asta e acum, cred că trebuia să nu te apuci de lucru încă până îți revii din plimbare că uite ce scrii ;).

Izbânzi

Anonymous said...

Finally, Lewis Black is getting some decent competition :)

Maybe the price of enlightenment is to realize that most people are idiots (* most of the time). It's still a nicer theory than Scott Adams' theory that people are stupid, lazy and horny animals (personally I don't understand why list laziness as a flaw, but that's just me)

Hai noroc, trebe sa iesim la aer curat una din zilele astea sa imi explici mai pe indelete cine te supara.

Cheers,
Lemo.

Anonymous said...

How about you also post a list of things that you appreciated around the world? If such a list doesn't exist, I guess your trip around the world was a total waste of time and money (with the exception of making you appreciate your home and not ever leaving it again).

Anonymous said...

yeah dude. why don't you post some positive shit on your blog? if you don't like white people or america, why the fuck are you still here??

Big Fat Rat said...

Hate mail, how sweet!

Listen to yourself, dimwit, "why don't you post some positive shit on your blog".... hmmm, let me think... ah, maybe because it's mine and I post what I want? My blog - my opinions! That's what they are, opinions, everyone has them. Haha. I bet you couldn't see this one coming. I rule!

I don't have a problem with white people. Just with stupid people.

Anonymous said...

Nice, I would add stupid people who want to hear only positive thoughts as a way of denial from recognizing themselves in one of those categories:). Then those stupid people meeting other stupid people and reinforcing each other illusions that they have something to say.

april g said...

bro, i think this is your worst post yet. sad to read it.

Robert said...

Yo Fritzie,

well, at least we know some people read your blog now ;-)

I read it with a friend and we not only laughed, but agreed as well. (He and I are the worst tippers we know)

Though I am curious what you found the best things on the voyage as well. You know, everyone is looking for that one deserted paradise island with white sand, palm trees and that French girl from the movie the Beach. If you can just PM me the French girls address, thats ok too.

Ciao!
Robert

Anonymous said...

A pet peeve of mine: "uncultured idiots" who don't know how to spell COLOSSEUM.

Big Fat Rat said...

Should I bother answering to the grammar nazi?

Why bother... since you are obviously clever enough to try your hand at irony and use my own words against me, you can figure out on your own that both ways of spelling the name are correct. Coliseum is the more coloquial English spelling - while Colosseum is indeed the Latin name. So technically you win - happy now?

Actually no, by majority agreement it's a draw: here!

Now, will you forgive me if I keep using Rome instead of Roma?

Anonymous said...

fritz, mie mi-o placut ce ai scris si ai dreptate. si m-ai mult mi-o placut cum s-o ofticat unii LOOOL.
esti tare :-) prin februarie trec prin seattle, pe unde iti mai duci traiul si corvezile? :-)
mitru

Anonymous said...

your post sounded so angry!

was this your state when you wrote this?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/128347104606875000donttalktome.jpg

Big Fat Rat said...

Yes. And then I went into my neighbor's back yard and I ate his kids. Stupid brats.